Most of what you see, my dear, is purely for show

04/08/2013 at 20:45 (Personal) (, , )

I am going out of my mind. Quietly or not, whether anyone sees, isn’t part of my problem anymore.

I want out of this place. This city, this face without a name, this Everyday is the Same. If I don’t fall off the world soon, I’ll have to burrow deep instead. This is as much a stop-gap, as it ever was. A Nowhere Land. The world beckons.

I don’t want to go back to the darkness
I was just getting used to the light
And then you came with your heavy-lit eyes
And now I don’t know left from right.

God help me, I’m rhyming. I’m that angry tonight. Heavy silences, stomping feet, distinct lack of clarity … all like drinking from a cracked glass of dirty water.

I’ll spit it back in your face, you stand in front of me one more time.

This is a wonderful venting session, but it achieves precisely the sum of its words. It’s been a strange day. A stranger’s life. I want to be somewhere that feels like home, where I can sleep the night through. It’s not much to ask, is it? To feel secure again? To know some kind of peace, after facing a working world of black and white, mugshots and wickedness and filthy carpets and coffee rings?

I just want to sleep.

Or walk soon, and let the world find me, bury me. A change is as good as a rest.

“So holy and wasted, like a prayer in the wind.”


  1. bgbowers said,

    Hugs xox

    • celenagaia33 said,

      Thank you, my darling friend. I need that. I was wretched last night; lashing out on Twitter, thankfully at no one there. Quite ashamed of myself, but I get so sick of bottling things up these days. Xx

      • bgbowers said,

        Bottling up is bad. I’m an email away if you ever need a non-judgemental & experienced ear. Seriously! Xox

  2. Jessica West said,

    It’s easier to slip back into the darkness than it is to step into the light. This one resonates. Thanks for sharing, and you’re right not to keep it in. These negative feelings are like poison, they kill you slowly over time if you don’t let them out. Speaking for myself, it’s good to read things like this. It reminds you that you’re normal. Or at least that there is someone else out there just as f#@$ed up as you are. 😉

    • celenagaia33 said,

      I’ll take either 😉 better to be weird than normal. Thanks, Jess; you always know just what to say x

  3. jabe842 said,

    Many thanks for posting this … as always, your words are a font of transition and inspiration and solace. And nothing wrong with a decent venting session now and then 😉 … Thanks again 🙂 x

    • celenagaia33 said,

      Glad you think so; I was all set to delete it as a pity party, but it seems to have touched a nerve in people. I keep forgetting that my blog is for feelings as well as literary output :p d’oh.

      Thanks for reading, honey. Does mean a heck-load to me, when people read, comment and care x

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