You make it easier to be who I want to be

07/10/2013 at 05:30 (Personal, Poetry, Writing) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , )


What does the end of a relationship feel like?

Unzipping a coat shared by two
Unpicking the seam stitching lives together
Finding ornaments, books, DVDs, games
Wondering what belongs to who
Interchangeable things, slapdash time
Standing in the bathroom staring at emptied shelves
A few hairs, flakes of makeup
Crying your face off at the sight of a solitary toothbrush
Feeling terrified and full of white sparks
Wondering if you can go it alone
Knowing you can (full of dark light)
Wiping your face off
Sniffling at the window ghost
Grin-grimacing at the sight of a year backflashing
A year and two
Three four five
2008 to now
Dialing down
A song, a phrase, a face pulled, giggling fits and scowls
Dagger-chin defiance, silence, shared look
Rum and beer, whiskey for hiccups
Lamplight haven and 3am stars
Field and park, mist and rain
Hike and kite, the plastic and the bird
Downs and Beacon, waiting
For friends facing each other as equals
Independence at last, so far behind peers
So far ahead in mind
So old
So young
Trying too hard to be heard, too hard to forget
Or remember what started it all
Random message
Tart reply đŸ˜‰
Scared of the light
Living in the dark
Not alone with dreams
Knowing another breathspace
Heartbeat
Alone and together, gone and apart
Smile, fate, be brave
These are the days of Now
We were as then
I am that Is.

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3 Comments

  1. JaneAuthor said,

    Reblogged this on The Poetry of A Heavy Heart and commented:
    It feels like the end of a world that refuses to end.
    It just goes on and on in your mind – moves on without you and you’re stuck with an infinate imagination of how things would have been and what you could have said and everything is a trigger . . .

  2. Sanjukta Moorthy said,

    Beautifully said, Rachael. What sombre reflection – but somehow still optimistic!

    Thanks for sharing this, it can’t have been easy. I hope you grow in strength every day x

    • celenagaia33 said,

      Thanks San, and welcome to the blog đŸ™‚ Yeah it was … God, this whole year. Where to begin. We were slowly becoming closer to friends than lovers, and this year really drove the situation home. I found myself hurting inside from all that was happening, and not turning to him for comfort anymore. There was a period of awful silence between us, while we struggled to come to terms with the fact it was all over – everything we’d worked towards, planned for (as much as two people who meet by chance ever plan; our relationship lasted this long because we took every day as it comes, not daring to assume anything.)

      But all things move towards their end. We’re getting on better, in this half of the year, than at the start. We’re both more settled financially and home-wise; apart, but not alone. There’ll always be walks we’ll take when he’s back down South to visit, and I’m ever welcome with his family. That’s all I could ask for, I’d hate to cut ties completely, as they’ve always been lovely, so supportive.

      We’ll manage, as we always do đŸ™‚ No one will ever take his place in my heart. First love’s like that. But there are many different kinds of love, and I hope he finds it again. xx

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